What's A Crocus?

Today the temperatures may reach 50 degrees in Jamestown, a degree we haven't seen in weeks, perhaps months. I don't recall. 

We haven't had an overabundance of snow here but it was been ground covering with frosty temperatures for long enough that the idea of grass and other things that grow seems mystical. Then my friend tells me she's watering seedlings in her greenhouse today and I know that Spring must be coming. 

Looking forward or trying to plan has become that thing that feels dangerous or radical with how much is uncertain with the Pandemic. Do you dare plan to see family after they're vaccinated, even if it'll be months before you're vaccinated yourself? Do you hope for a warmer Spring so that you can see friends at safe distances outside more easily? Do you hope with warmer weather and related activities trying to start up that maybe you'll be back to work soon?

The latter has been especially hard. 

In the few days before my job ended, I had people saying, "Well, you'll get some nice time off at least," which I didn't disagree with because I really did need a break. Back at the beginning of the year, I thought two weeks of  "vacation" would help me recharge so that I could move forward into the next project or exciting thing. As time passed, I realized I needed a lot more time to process what had happened in December and the past year. People losing their jobs happens all the time but it rarely happens in a public forum, especially where the employee is a spectator to others deciding their fate. I don't wish that experience on any civil servant. I'm extremely grateful for the support system I have that helped me cope then and now. That system is especially helpful when I still regularly hear people say, "You must be enjoying your time off!" as if I'm on some chosen, happy vacation and not having constant anxiety about what's happening next.

When you've been told you will get your job back, but have no information about when that might happen, it's hard to know how to plan. I'm a planner. I also have people telling me I should look for a new job, consider a new career, and to go off and recreate myself! I understand where they're coming from, but it feels like they're missing the point of what I'm going through in saying that. I had a good job. I worked with amazing people. I did good things for my community. It paid decently and had fantastic benefits. I'm more than hesitant to walk away permanently for a job that may not offer all of that. Also, if my position is reinstated, they have to offer it to me first before being able to hire someone else. It's not a good look take a new job, then quit to go back to the old job, leaving the new employer in a lurch. 

So I wait, somewhat uneasily and impatiently, for the word to come that I'm not in a holding pattern any longer. While I don't have the answers now, at least I know one thing that will happen in the coming weeks - the crocuses will bloom.

Tipped Balances

On the last day of 2020, before the few people planning to be at work arrived on our floor, I put "Tik Tok" by Kesha on my iPod and then danced through every open office, hallway, breakroom, and conference room. Most of those rooms were vacant of even desks or other office detritus as the department that had occupied the space moved two months ago. 

It was a moment that felt slightly subversive and freeing.

I did it to celebrate and to also try to forget that it was my last day of employment for awhile. 

After being just shy of 12 years in my job, I was leaving with my return being left in the hands of a City Council that eliminated my position under the pretense that it was "temporary."

I texted a friend this morning whose 2020 could be best described as soul-trying, 

"Here's to a new year that hopefully is better balanced, or even tipped toward more happier moments if we can have wishes and dreams of that."

Life is a balance. It doesn't always work out the way we had planned because we simply cannot control everything. The best we can do is to live, love, and laugh. I'm absolutely kidding. Somewhat. Whoever thought to market that aspiration deserves their millions.

 A year ago I said to my husband that all we had was our integrity and we should live and work as such. It wasn't an attempt at a new year's resolution, but I feel we've achieved that. 

Toward the end of this year, the premise of dignity and being able to hold my head up high despite adversity is something that mattered. It's something I can do because of respecting how integrity matters. 

 I'm far from perfect and hope to never be because that sounds painfully boring. Here's hoping that while I can't control everything that I at least can continue to act in ways that help tip the balance toward the positive.

Happy New Year

It's been almost 18 years...

I forget I have a blog until I mention that I used to post alllllllllllllll(breathes)lllll the time. Shut-up, Grammarly, I know that last sentence has an "incorrect" word.

So I've been blogging for nearly 18 years....


On the last episode of "In Java, Literally..," Julia was having a meltdown because of our house situation and Matt's medical situation. A good chunk of last year is hazy to me because I shut-down due to stress. It was a surreal state of being present in order for all the things to get down but also needing to be detached so that I could continue to function. That said...

We finally sold our house. Matt's surgery 3 weeks before our move went fabulously. We moved into our new house three days before Christmas. Everything is fairly grand other than some unknowns in the job department for Matt. There always has to be something, right?

Our new house has an interesting chameleon-like ability to feel like where we're in the forest and in England and in the city and just about anywhere other than "here." I feel like you have to be there to understand. Either way, I'm in love with the place even though we still have so much work to do from painting the interior, getting the yard further squared away, and other stuff. I'm proud of the fact that we're nearly 100% unpacked after 5 months which, when compared to when we lived in our old house, is a near miracle.

Another cool thing about our house is that we're friends with the people who owned it two owners ago. They've shared with us all kinds of photos they took while living there, so it's a little surreal to see how they used various spaces, especially since I'll recognize a piece of furniture and think, "Oh, they have that in ___ room at their current house now." Also, we have various acquaintances who remember the family who lived there for several decades before our friends bought it so I've already been regaled with stories of good times and parties. You couldn't hope for more! Oh, and yes, the house is haunted but we haven't been bothered too much. That's what happens when you buy a 1910 house.

Away, Away

We're on a mini-vaca in an area where they're experiencing forest fires (thanks asshole arsonist). It's an area that makes Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls, Ontario look rinky dinky. Holy cow. Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg is no joke. Tomorrow we try to escape it and find some peace and nature in the (literally) Smoky Mountains.

Elections REALLY Got You Down?

If you find you're having difficulty coping with things lately, here's an article that might help:

Top 10 free and affordable mental health and counseling options.

Autumn Break

I'm on day 2 of no Facebook and Twitter. I will admit I'm feeling a little twitchy. I figured at least I could blog given how many times I've picked up my cell and stared at it in frustration.

Why am I off social media? I needed a break from the endless negativity that ratcheted up after the elections. I also needed a break from news in general. Aside from social media being a time suck, I also found it affecting my mood and productivity.

I figured a two and a half week break would be a good timeframe since I'm also on vacation from work. I'm still looking at Instagram and have the ability to tweet my blog posts on Twitter courtesy of a Chrome app that allows me to tweet from the address line. Gone, but not for good!

28 Days Later

Here I am at the end of 28 days away from Facebook. What have I been up to?

Books I've Read:
Morrissey: Autobiography (UK Edition)
Why Can't I Be You - Allie Larkin
Eleanor & Park - Rainbow Rowell
Summer In A Glass: The Coming of Age of Winemaking in the Finger Lakes - Evan Dawson

Movies I've Seen:
The Monuments Men
The Way Way Back

Blog Entries I've Written = 29

Pounds Lost = 2

Exercise Classes Attended = 8 (guessing at this since I only started recording on Feb 18th)

Nights Spent Snuggling on the Coach with Sammy & McKinley while watching many episodes of Poirot on Netflix = Too numerous to count

Outings Out Into the Cold to See Friends Socially That Weren't Connected to Work/Boards/Organizational Events = 3

Phone Calls to Parents = Three. One 2-hour call and one 1.5-hour call and one 40-minute call.

New Beers/Ciders Imbibed = 7
Southern Tier Brewing - 2XOne
Southern Tier Brewing - Grand Arbor
Otter Creek Brewing - Citra Mantra
Ballast Point Brewing & Spirits - Tongue Buckler
Stella Artois - Cidre
Dogfish Head Craft Brewery - 75 Minute IPA
Lagunitas Brewing Company - A Little Sumpin' Wild Ale

Musical Rehearsals Attended - 2. Will increase exponentially in the next week

Paczkis Consumed Prior to Fat Tuesday - One solitary over-filled, seemingly double-glazed wonder

Tickets Purchased To See Morrissey In Concert at Artpark: - 3. One for me and 2 for my cousin and his friend.

Buffalo Sabres Traded: Two

Facebook-Free Month - A Two-Week Update

As of yesterday, I had gone somewhat Facebook-Free for two weeks. The "somewhat" is a bone of contention for me because I still have to log in to do updates to the work Facebook page. In fact, not even a week into my month-long hiatus I got an email full of pictures from my boss asking if they could be uploaded to the work page.

Logging in means there are glances at the top item in my newsfeed. Other times, clicking on shortened-urls in my Twitter feed that have led me to a Facebook post or image. Then there is the dilemma whether to allow 3rd-party apps, like FourSquare or Untappd, to send my update to just Twitter or to both that and Facebook. I'd say I definitely cheated when I used Selective Tweets  to send Matt a Valentine's Day wish to Facebook by adding "#fb" at the end of my tweet.

The negative newsfeed was the big reason why I wanted to take a break from Facebook for awhile. While it feels good to not have that sitting in the background constantly, I feel like I am missing out on stuff happening in my friends' lives. My first week away, some high school friends posted quite a set of hilarious (so I'm told) pictures of Friday night fun. One of them even taunted me via Twitter,

"there are pics on FB... You can enjoy them on March 1st ha ha"

Schedules have aligned so that I've had more face time than Face(book) time with some friends lately, but those get-togethers wouldn't have happened if not for the use of Facebook Messenger. Then there are friends who live far away who I wouldn't be able to keep up with if not for the dialogue we maintain on each others Facebook posts because they're not emailing/texting/phone call types. I'm definitely missing those people right now. I even thought about name-dropping them in this post but the list is getting rather long in my head.

This morning I was reading an article online about The Pub, a popular local bar that had a devastating fire last month. In it, it mentioned how pictures were being posted on the establishment's Facebook page of the interior of the bar and of work being done. I sighed, knowing that I wouldn't get to see them for another 2 weeks.

And then I thought, "There's nothing saying I HAVE to stay off Facebook for a month. It's a self-imposed hiatus." Of course, I'm not a fan of quitting a project early. It's one of the reasons why I steadfastly continue growing my hair out even though it's at a length that's driving me nuts. So onward I plow. I suppose it's a good thing that what I miss most about not being on Facebook is how it helps enhance actual relationships I have as opposed to missing the myriad of link bait that fills the newsfeed.

Happy Bacon Roses Valentine's Day

I got together with some friends last night for some girl time, wine time, and making bacon roses for Valentine's Day time. My friend, Allison, got the idea off Pinterest. As far as Pinterest projects go, this one wasn't too difficult other than waiting for all the bacon to bake. We call this success! Plus, who wouldn't, other than vegetarians, love bacon for Valentine's Day?

Undercutting Matt

Martha preps Matt for the cut

At least one hair stylist and one 1940s-Fan friend on Facebook posted a link to the haircut all men should get. I took a gander and agreed. For a long time, I've wanted Matt to keep his hair longer on top with short sides. Naturally, I schemed with our friend/hair stylist, Martha, about this new look.

On Saturday, he took a chance that we might have a good idea. In the end, we're all pleased with the result.

Martha begins the final style

Matt's new undercut

The new undercut style-side view

Another side view

Dogs & Cats Living Together! Mass Hysteria!

While I was finishing up Morrissey's autobiography (UK version) on Saturday night our cat, McKinley crawled off my lap and snuggled in next to our almost 2-year old super-mutt, Sammy. This is the most we've ever caught them snuggling together. Damned cute!

Sammy & McKinley

Supressing the Depressing News Feed

Another truth for why I decided to take a break from Facebook is that I've been suffering a bit of depression while reading my feed the last month or more. There is a lot of negativity out there whether it's the same depressing news item posted repeatedly or general ignorance. I can handle news in a radio/tv/print and even news blogs because you know what to anticipate when tuning into those sources whereas with Facebook you can be happily scrolling along, cooing at baby or puppy pictures before being smacked in the face with some new awful truth about how we're destroying earth or how the Republicans hate women.

Unsurprisingly, someone did a study about this and found that Facebook makes us unhappy. Of course, it's not that Facebook is the problem. Psychologist Timothy Wilson had this to say:

"Getting rid of Facebook wouldn’t change the fact that our attention is, more and more frequently, forgetting the path to proper, fulfilling engagement."

One could argue that by using blogging as an alternative to being on Facebook this month that I'm not attacking the real issues of why I'm feeling unhappy, but I'd argue back that at least this is a more engaging use of the Internet versus passively trolling my news feed. Additionally, at the end of the day a blog post I wrote and can readily access is far more fulfilling than a Facebook wall of links with a line or two of text that is near impossible to search.

Growing On Me

The February 2014 Stage of Growing Out My Hair

Back in August 2011, I got the ultimate haircut by having my hair stylist/friend, Martha, cut my hair in a pixie style. My hair had never been shorter than chin length aside from when it was growing in as a baby. I decided at that point that I'd wear it short for at least a year and then decide whether to grow it back out.

This past August, I made the decision to grow out my hair. It wasn't so much that I disliked having short hair. In fact, the amount of compliments I had received after cutting it all off were almost overwhelming, but very gratifying.

Part of my decision was due to my dreams. I kept dreaming that I'd catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or be walking somewhere and that my hair was suddenly long again. I'd think in my dream, "How is it that I'm just noticing how long it is. Isn't it great to be able to pull it back?" or "How long it's been since I could feel the wind tossing it around."

The other part of the decision was the ever closer date of my 40th birthday. Granted, this is still almost 3 years from now, but given how long hair can take to really grow out I thought I better get started. I wanted to enter my 40s either with long hair or to at least have gone through the agony of growing it out.

Believe me. Growing out your hair can be pure agony. I miss all the fun ways I used to be able to style it each day. I grow more and more frustrated as each day passes since my last hair cut where my hair seems to lose whatever style it had. I've been moaning about how maybe I'll just give up and cut it all off again. What stops me is the fear of regret. Regret that I didn't have the stamina to go through with it and finish the journey. I know this sounds silly because it's just hair, right? Naturally, that statement usually follows a discussion about whether to cut it short, "It'll always grow. Don't worry!" Well, that's my worry. I'm waiting for it to grow.

Thankfully, I'm in the hands of a great stylist. Martha has made the whole process a lot easier with all the little shaping she has done each time I see her. Plus, I know that once I get the time and some spare change that she'll whip up the color magic and put those highlights in just where I want and need them. If you want Martha to help you change your life, you can find her at Mia Bella Salon (formerly 3rd Street-Salon 1) in Jamestown. It's a great little place and I've had plenty of really good experiences there not just in the hair department but in the mani/pedi area as well.

Too Old For Tumblr?

There have been news stories out in recent weeks about studies that are heralding the future demise of Facebook. I asked a few friends with kids where the young ones are now hanging out if Facebook isn't so cool. The answer I've gotten back is Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram. I actively use Twitter, although not as much as I had been using Facebook. I've avoided even creating an account for Instagram because of major privacy and use concerns. Tumblr was something I wasn't quite as familiar with even though I subscribed to a few Tumblr-based sites. I had even looked into starting up my own Tumblr using the name of this blog as a way to move content from one platform to the next, but couldn't find the interest in following through. It occurred to me that I may have just become too old for Tumblr.

Leave me a comment about where you're contributing content or just hanging out social media-wise these days. If you're brave or don't give a toss, tell me your age too. I'm curious.

Welcome Back, Welcome Back

It feels odd to title this post with a line from the theme song from a show I may have only seen a few times as a kid (Welcome Back, Cotter). That said, it is appropriate. Welcome back to posting, at least for the next month. Welcome back to readers who may be surprised to seeing a post pop up in their RSS feed or in their Twitter feed. Welcome, in general, to any new people checking in to see what I'm up to.

I'm using the short month of February to take a breather from Facebook. I've done media blackouts before but they've never worked because they were very much all or nothing. I'm opting to just take away my personal interaction with Facebook, aside from work responsibilities, for 28 days. I'll still be using Twitter, email, chat, and even Facebook messaging since a few people I converse with like to reach me that way. One of my friends asked if I would be blogging more and I thought,

"Well? Should I? I do like to share links to stories, music videos, silly videos, and other nonsense. I could save all of them for 1 post every day or every other day depending. It's been so long. Would anyone even read it? Would anyone comment?"

The more I thought about, the more it made sense to try. Facebook has been horribly distracting in the sense that I have a stack of books on my coffee table I want to read. I have music for the high school production of "Annie Get Your Gun" to practice. The house needs some love and care. There are exercise classes and even at-home routines I want to do. There is so much life to be lived. Maybe taking a break from Facebook but still sharing via the ol' "In Java.." would be just the trick. And so it goes.

Tipping The Hat To Summer 2012

While there are actual seasons blowing in and shining down, the constant pace of my life has hardly seen a break in years. But seasons come and go regardless of whether I'm occupied or not.

This summer..

- We hosted this year's "Cousins Weekend" which saw the arrival of cousins from Albany and Boston, aunt from Buffalo, and my parents from Rochester to our house. Somehow in just a weekend, we visited Southern Tier Brewing Company, Panama Rocks, Bemus Point, Chautauqua Institution, Forte, Lily Dale, and Dunkirk. It was a bit of a whirlwind for me as the host but I was so glad to see everyone!

- My parents came down to visit a couple times to help with some household improvements and to celebrate Father's Day. My grandmother came the latter visit and we had fun going to the Yassou! Festival and finding bargains at some of the local thrift shops.

- Matt and I worked on some household projects. The downstairs bathroom saw a makeover with the old vanity being ripped out, new flooring being put down, a new-to-us toilet being installed, new lighting, a pedestal sink, and wainscoting installed on the walls. The room still needs a final bit of wainscoting and a final paint job before accessory installation can happen.

- I finally got to see Fountains Of Wayne, for free even, as part of Buffalo's Thursdays In The Harbor. It was a wonderful show even though there were only a handful of us who were familiar with a greater range of their songs beyond "Stacy's Mom."

- The end of June included the arrival of a puppy in our lives: Sammy. Sammy is a German Shepard-Lab-Mix we adopted from Northern Chautauqua Canine Rescue. Matt says he's one of the best puppies he's ever had. The little guy is quite cute and quite a handful. I never had a puppy before so I was definitely not prepared for the lack of sleep, the time commitment, and the patience needed. Even so, I like having him around. He has a lot of the traits of Buddy to the point where we joke that Sammy is Buddy reincarnated. I didn't blog about Buddy dying back in April. I don't know if I ever will. I still miss him so much and probably always will.

- On the health front: Matt and I have been eating a diet that follows the Paleo Model. We were strict for the initial 30 days of the diet (started day after Mother's Day and continued until June 8th), but have relaxed to the point where 70 to 80% of our diet is paleo. The diet is a "real food" diet that is gluten free (no rice or corn even), legume free (no peanuts or soy), and dairy free. As it's anti-inflammatory, I've seen my rosacea calm down and I lost some of the stubborn weight (around 5 lbs) that had been hanging on for the last year despite all my exercise/calorie counting. Matt lost 16 pounds he had gained back after his big weight loss competition last year and saw his allergies settle down as well. I don't miss bread as much as I thought I would although lunch is a bit more complicated because there isn't the easy fall-back of sandwiches. Eating romaine wraps does get old. I also am not missing cheese as much as I thought I would either. That doesn't mean I haven't had a cheeseburger here and there over the last few months!

And forward...

- I submitted my resignation from my teaching gig at Infinity Visual & Performing Arts. Part of it is because I will have a rehearsal on Wednesday nights most of this Fall which would have made it impossible to teach the one day I'm available. Also, while I really enjoyed teaching and I liked the small group of students I had, sometimes you need to step back and refocus.

- Refocusing doesn't mean I've given up being busy. The rehearsals I will have are for JCC's production of "Legally Blonde" in November. It has been 3 seasons since I've done a musical at JCC and 2 years since I played in the pit for "Chicago" at Lucille Ball Little Theatre of Jamestown. It was time for a challenge of a familiar, but different variety.

- Busy also includes: Playing in a wedding this Saturday and enjoying Local Music Showcase, a couple trips to Rochester to celebrate my mom's birthday and my parent's 40th wedding anniversary, a Fiona Apple concert on October 9th, a Morrissey concert on October 19th, a Jamestown Community Orchestra concert on October 21st, three weekends of "Legally Blonde" performances, and Matt's 40th birthday. You'll need to check back in with me sometime in January before I have free time again, in other words.

Banishing The Blahs

I consider myself at risk when it comes to getting the winter blahs. Living in Western New York, we have a lot of gray days that are already sunlight deprived as we head through Fall and Winter. Every year, I know that the dark months are coming, but I often don't prepare. This year, I'm not going to let the blahs catch me off guard and am going to use this article as a guide to alleviate the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD.

For the past year, I've been on a mission of minimalism. This doesn't mean I'm getting rid of every article of clothing, books, CDs, DVDs, accessory in our house but it does mean I'm working harder to eliminate the clutter. I've been giving my cache of clothing a hard look and then doing my best to get rid of what doesn't fit and what I'm not wearing. The upside is that I've made some cash off of the items that were in better shape that I took to a local consignment shop. I've also cleared out enough items that I will be able to get rid of a clothes rack in the back room that I affectionately refer to as my "walk-in closet." Don't think this has lessened my shoe shopping habits, but I've made myself think very hard about what I had and how much use I would get out of what I wanted to buy.

We also made additional monies when we had a garage sale last month where we did our best to sell off more items I had cleared out. It's an on-going process, but slowly I'm seeing corners of rooms that I hadn't before. I now have this luxury of trying to decide how I want to revamp my "walk in closet" in terms of whether to make it my closet and a library, or leave it a blank canvas.

Going from the house we live in to the body I'm housed inside of, I started thinking about food and diet from a "Well, I want to look good for (fill in random trip/event/happening)" stand point. Instead of thinking, "I want to lose 5 pounds" it's more of a "I want to look good when I go to our friend Meg's wedding reception so I will feel better if I go to Zumba tonight and I don't eat that cannolli that looks really good in the display case at Jones Bakery." I'm not totally depriving myself or ignoring my body when it's telling me to rest, which is important given that my schedule sometimes does mess with when I can exercise or do a sit down meal with Matt. It's some of the same thinking as when I consider whether I need to hold onto a physical item, "Do I need to put this in my body? Will I feel better or worse for eating or drinking this? Is it worth it?" I'm also considering giving meditation a permanent spot in my schedule since I rather enjoyed a session at local Yoga studio that I attended two Sundays ago.

Do I think I'll completely avoid the blahs? Probably not, but I'm hoping to not get stuck in them for long periods too.

Filling In the Middle

I wore jeans today because it's cool outside. Unfortunately, after a summer of wearing loose clothing, the constrictive denim is making me feel a little muffiny, and I'm not talking chocolate chip although I'm sure the one I ate this summer contributed. To add insult, I then read an article about how women tend to get poochy stomachs as they get older due to the loss of estrogen. As if that wasn't depressing enough, the article then added the punch that you cannot target exercise the pooch away and that your only hope to possibly get rid of it was through a healthy diet and general exercise. Okay, that's pretty "DUH" but still a bummer that it implies 30 minutes on the elliptical and then a series of abdominal crunches/exercises won't necessarily mean you're going to lose the love handles. Given everything, I guess I'll keep at my regimen of Zumba when I can, elliptical when I miss, and doing my best to eat healthy with moderation.

Outdoor Friends

Long before we adopted McKinley into our family, our dog, Zak, had a penchant for barking/crying at cats he would see outside our house.

Since the weather has warmed up, we've noticed McKinley looking out the windows and screen doors as if searching for something. Matt figured out that he had a friend in the neighborhood, which was confirmed by seeing a gray and white kitty hanging around our front stoop.

This morning, both McKinley and Zak were huddled around the screen door to nowhere in our breezeway. McKinley was meowing loudly while Zak barked a kind of high pitched yelp. I went over to investigate and there was McKinley's gray and white friend sitting on the pavement below.

I got a snap of the friend as he/she wandered away, apparently put off by all the attention.

Oh Desktop, How You Scorn Me!

When I came back from my NKOTBSB travels, I was welcomed by my desktop computer not wanting to get past the initial start-up window. I had considered shutting the unit down for the one whole day I'd be gone but forgot in my last minute travel plans. Of course, this means there was a power outage which probably created a surge that did something to the computer. God knows. I'm hoping that Matt will take it to one of our friends this week to see how much damage was done and am currently crossing my fingers that I won't lose anything. At least we did do a full back-up this winter, so the most I'd lose is some stuff from eMusic, last few months of WRFA scripts, and probably some pictures. Not that I wouldn't still be fuming to myself, but that's technology.

In the meantime, I've been using the non-portable laptop. I'm convinced this thing is giving me back aches since I can't seem to get it so it's at an appropriate viewing and typing height. The sucker also outputs a lot of heat which is just dandy when the temperature goes up. Whine, whine. If money were no object, I'm at the point where I'd love to get a high memory/capacity laptop with a big screen so I could clear up my desk at home somewhat. Unfortunately, when you're a homeowner there tends to be other ticket items that get priority, like new gutters.