Wednesday, February 27, 2008

An International Incident (Blog Share)

What started off as a lovely weekend trip to Canada hit a speed bump before we even made it across the border.

I've taken at least half a dozen trips to Canada. Sometimes the border lines are short and quick, sometimes long and slow.

That particular day, that lovely fall day, we breezed down the highway that led to the border. Then the traffic stopped. About two miles from the border. At about the same moment my stomach cramped sharply. I had to go #2. Soon. I spent the next half hour or so shifting uncomfortably in the passenger seat next to my husband. The traffic crawled about half the distance to the checkpoint. The checkpoint was within view...But still so far. The traffic was several lanes wide. It became unbearable. "I don't think I can wait", I whimpered to my husband. He produced a plastic bag "Can you do something with this?" There are lots of things I could do with a plastic bag, but none of them seemed relevant to the situation. I furrowed my brow at him and continued to try to position myself in a way that did not make me feel as though my colon were going to burst.

Another half hour passed, and we moved less than we had in the previous half hour. I couldn't take it anymore and began to ponder what indeed I could do with that plastic bag. I forced myself to wait (I guess my body LET me wait, because I don't think I was in a position to force anything at that point) until we were no longer next to the tractor trailer truck which would have had an amazing (horrible) view into our car and the whole terrible situation.

I positioned myself and the bag in such a position as to inconspicuously (I hope) do what I had to do. It wasn't the neatest thing in the world, but it could have been worse...Like if I didn't have the bag.

The event having passed (so to speak), I sat uncomfortably as we waited to finally approach the border patrol. The bag tucked beneath the seat, I prayed silently to God to not let the border agents find cause to search the vehicle. If they found that bag and its contents...Well, surely they would think we were sneaking in some sort of contraband in there...We'd be arrested in Canada for attempting to import a bag of fecal matter.

Thankfully, so thankfully, we made it across the border without incident. I was so nervous, I'm surprised the border agent didn't think we must be hiding something and search us just because. We stopped at a McDonalds just past the border so I could get cleaned up. I spent a ridiculous amount of time in the handicapped stall taking care of the situation.

We eventually made it to our hotel...A very strange start to the trip indeed. My husband was incredibly kind and could have made me feel even more humiliated that I already did...But somehow he managed to make me feel better about the whole situation and we continued on to have a great trip. Unconditional love.
We have a name for the incident, sentimentally named after the border area.

The only #2 accident of my adult life, and it spanned a two country area.

Lesson to be learned - Always try to go to the bathroom before heading for the border. Even if you think you don't have to go.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your husband is awesome. My husband would probably have barfed. And then made fun of me for the rest of my life.

Thanks for the important life lesson! :)

Galoot said...

I feel for you! I had to use a juice bottle to wee in once in a traffic jam on I-95 in Miami. Not terribly comfortable.

Sauntering Soul said...

I'm so sorry because I know it was horrible, but I'm cracking up. But I'm laughing more at myself because I have some strange issues that include not being able to poo in any public restroom. I can only go in my own house. (Yes, I'm a very strange person.) I think I would have died having to poo in a car into a plastic bag in front of someone. Your husband is a saint. I want to give you a hug for going through this.

lizgwiz said...

Oh my...I'm laughing, though I do feel your pain. Thank god for an understanding husband and a plastic bag! Maybe the real lesson should be to always carry a bag in your purse? Hee.

Anonymous said...

A very sugary donut hit me the wrong way in the middle of rush hour traffic. I tried to make it to my office in time. I made it to the the restroom, but not quite far enough. Thank God I was the first one there that morning.

It happens, right? Right??

Elise said...

Yes, your husband IS awesome. I have no idea how mine would have reacted but I can guarantee it wouldn't have been so gracious! And to think, you had to sit there with it in the car for however long! Ahhhh! That's a memory that will last a lifetime :)

nancypearlwannabe said...

This made me uncomfortable for you! I once had to run across three lanes of traffic on Storrow Drive in Boston to use a hospital bathroom because I absolutely COULD NOT WAIT. My Dad has never let me forget it.

Anonymous said...

Laughing out loud!

One time, on a trip from Medford Oregon to Reno Nevada, my boyfriend and I were riding in the back of his brother's truck. They were running late, and the band had to be on stage in a ridiculously short amount of time. J had to pee. B refused to pull over because they were late for the gig. J found a Snapple bottle and did his thing, cursing his brother under his breath. B hit a speed bump without slowing down. Pee all over the place. All over J, all over me, all over the drum set. We laugh about it now, though.

Anonymous said...

Oh, sorry, about the pee in the Snapple bottle - My name is Maria. (The unpaid and peed-upon roadie.)

Anonymous said...

Oh, wow! I am wholeheartedly impressed both by your resourcefulness and your husband's understanding. I seriously think mine would never have sex with me again if I had to poop in the car with him.

Noelle said...

Why is the line into Canada so long? I always wonder about the people who have to go #2 or run out of gas. That sounded horrible, but your telling of it was great.

Stefanie said...

Oh my word. That's unconditional love indeed. You are a lucky woman. (Not that I'm envying that situation, of course--just the relationship.) :-)

Trudie said...

Your husband is a true gentleman!

Jen14221 said...

Never underestimate the power of the spare bag in your car. While pregnant, I kept a small supply of barf bags in the car so I could vomit on my way to work without stopping.

lisa marie said...

That would be so embarrassing! I'm glad you made it through and hubby was great about it!

lisa marie said...

I will never look a plastic bag the same way again. :)

Allie said...

That border traffic is killer! You poor thing!

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