What's A Crocus?

Today the temperatures may reach 50 degrees in Jamestown, a degree we haven't seen in weeks, perhaps months. I don't recall. 

We haven't had an overabundance of snow here but it was been ground covering with frosty temperatures for long enough that the idea of grass and other things that grow seems mystical. Then my friend tells me she's watering seedlings in her greenhouse today and I know that Spring must be coming. 

Looking forward or trying to plan has become that thing that feels dangerous or radical with how much is uncertain with the Pandemic. Do you dare plan to see family after they're vaccinated, even if it'll be months before you're vaccinated yourself? Do you hope for a warmer Spring so that you can see friends at safe distances outside more easily? Do you hope with warmer weather and related activities trying to start up that maybe you'll be back to work soon?

The latter has been especially hard. 

In the few days before my job ended, I had people saying, "Well, you'll get some nice time off at least," which I didn't disagree with because I really did need a break. Back at the beginning of the year, I thought two weeks of  "vacation" would help me recharge so that I could move forward into the next project or exciting thing. As time passed, I realized I needed a lot more time to process what had happened in December and the past year. People losing their jobs happens all the time but it rarely happens in a public forum, especially where the employee is a spectator to others deciding their fate. I don't wish that experience on any civil servant. I'm extremely grateful for the support system I have that helped me cope then and now. That system is especially helpful when I still regularly hear people say, "You must be enjoying your time off!" as if I'm on some chosen, happy vacation and not having constant anxiety about what's happening next.

When you've been told you will get your job back, but have no information about when that might happen, it's hard to know how to plan. I'm a planner. I also have people telling me I should look for a new job, consider a new career, and to go off and recreate myself! I understand where they're coming from, but it feels like they're missing the point of what I'm going through in saying that. I had a good job. I worked with amazing people. I did good things for my community. It paid decently and had fantastic benefits. I'm more than hesitant to walk away permanently for a job that may not offer all of that. Also, if my position is reinstated, they have to offer it to me first before being able to hire someone else. It's not a good look take a new job, then quit to go back to the old job, leaving the new employer in a lurch. 

So I wait, somewhat uneasily and impatiently, for the word to come that I'm not in a holding pattern any longer. While I don't have the answers now, at least I know one thing that will happen in the coming weeks - the crocuses will bloom.