Sunday, May 12, 2002


Do What You Love.. Without Fear

It's funny how the most out of context stuff will spark thought about life. Example: I watched bits and pieces of Notting Hill last night with my parents and grandmother during the commercials breaks for Trading Spaces. My mom commented on how Hugh Grant reminded her of a high school friend of mine. That got me thinking about that friend (and former boyfriend) and how he mentioned that one of the things he found very erotic about me was that I played violin. He made this comment several years after we had stopped dating. It had also been quite awhile since I had regularly played violin too (same goes for the present). Him mentioning that felt almost painful since I had an estranged relationship with my violin. I know that sounds bonky, but truthfully, I've always had a rocky relationship with that instrument. It could be so beautiful at times and other times, so painful (in the literal sense) and frustrating.

One of the most harmonious moments came when I graduated from high school. I had been picked to play a solo at the Graduation Ceremony. I chose Mozart's Concerto in G Major, which I had to play on stage at the Eastman Theatre in Rochester, NY in front of an estimated 2,000 people. I still to this day have no idea how I did it. I'm really uncomfortable with playing in front of people, especially solo. I don't mind playing in orchestras, but I've always been a little fearful of playing solo. I guess it's fear of criticism or seriously messing up. It's crazy that I was able to get the guts to go on stage and play. I've had friends tell me that their relatives or people I wasn't friends with turn to them afterwards, or during the performance, and say that I was really good. I guess that would be the last time I heard something like that.

College was brutal. It was at college that I found out I lacked some technique "that you should have learned when you were a sophomore in high school." I hated my teacher. I didn't find his method of teaching to my liking. I guess I'm the type that needs positive encouragement, not belittling. Other students thought he was the shit. I thought he was shit. In a way, I'm to blame because the more frustrated I became, the less I practiced. It has gotten to a point where I haven't touched my violin in a year. I had a brief, shining moment my sophomore year in college where I actually went and practiced for 3 hours after talking to someone about how prescious it was to have the gift of playing and how I should never lose that gift. Something like that.

What I'm looking for is a way to get back to practicing. Without Fear. I'm afraid it will be scratchy, out of tune, jerky.. only because it will be at first. I've lost a lot of dexterity in my arms and fingers. It's hard to explain the feeling if you never did something you loved so much and if you didn't keep at it, you lost it. Playing the violin meant a great deal to me at one time. I think it still does. I just need to conquer the feeling that I've failed.

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