I'm supposed to be practicing violin right now. I had, in fact, tuned up and started to pick my way through some chamber orchestra music. Somewhere around the second movement of a Folk Suite, I sighed heavily and put my instrument down.
I wasn't just "not feeling it." I hated it. All summer long, I would go to rehearsal hoping things would be cool and end up watching the time tick by slowly. I can only think of one rehearsal where I left feeling happy: the first rehearsal.
I've played with this group of people before, and some of the reasons why I stopped playing with them for several months have seemed to creep up. Simply put, I am not having fun.
I understand that I'm not going to love every program that I play, but this is the second program in a year's time that I'm finding pretty aggravating. The other ensembles I play with don't give me this feeling. A bad side effect of being aggravated is that I've avoided practicing. The end result, now that we're about three weeks away from the concert, is that I'm not as prepared as I should be.
It would be pretty cruddy if I backed out of the concert now. Although, they would still have 4 first violinists if I did. With my schedule over the next few weeks, I won't have a lot of free time to really whip myself into shape. One reason not to quit is that I wanted to give the full ensemble another shot for the Fall concert now that they have a new conductor who is supposedly awesome and can put together a good program.
Unless I'm asked not to participate in the concert because I haven't mastered one of the pieces, which was threatened by an ensemble member to the rest of the group, I probably will still do the concert. It's one of those, "Well, you've gone to this many rehearsals, may as well suffer through the few more that are left."
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2 comments:
I'd tell that this would be my last performance with them. Hanging on and being miserable untill the Fall concert in hopes that this *supposedly* awesome director isn't worth it. Especially if you have other groups, I'm guessing, to play with. You've obviously given this ensemble enough time - the summer I think, but I can see yr point about not blowing them off now.
Music or whatever you do with your free time shouldn't be a burden or aggravating. It should be fun.
Oh and I plan on heckling your performance when I'm back there in J-town. ;)
I know this feeling well on the acting side of things. I was in a show last March that, if I had to do over again, I never would have in the first place. It is the worst feeling in the world to be involved in something artistic that you want to enjoy but can't because of the others around you.
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