I sometimes joke that I'm a violinist in a non-performer's body. I liked to play, but I didn't feel like I needed to play for people. Some of that was because I didn't want to do it if it wasn't perfect, some because I figured people didn't want to hear me play, and another part of me didn't feel that need for affirmation of my abilities from an audience.
Today I played a movement from a concerto by Seitz for Artist Share. Even though it's a Suzuki Book 4 song from my early youth, I picked it because I thought it had a sense of humor. I'm not a big Classical music lover, so I wanted to play something I felt I could make my own. So I played it like it was a little joke of mine. I rolled my eyes and smiled. I took some short dramatic pauses and threw off a passage with a kind of jauntiness I felt was appropriate. The audience responded with giggles in the right spots and then a surprising smash of applause at the end.
Having only prepared this one piece, I thought, "God, I wish I felt more comfortable with those Vic Kibler songs I dug out last night. Those would have been fun!" as I closed my music folder. As I took my seat, a new feeling swept over me. I wanted to play more, like this. Not just in an orchestra, but solo. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to again. Part of that made me very moody. The pro-active part of me got to work though, and put together some information for a project Matt has been working on for me. Between that, and some continued practicing, maybe I'll be able to fulfill this new need.
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